now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
