My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
