You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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