My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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