my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
