If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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