I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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