Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
