My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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