i was born a porn star she said
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
