You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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