guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
