Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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