Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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