Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
