Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
