Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
