I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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