Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
