I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize