remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize