I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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