it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
