i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
