Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
