Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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