living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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