I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She even gives head with a lisp.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
