Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
