I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
