I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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