of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
