You smell like stripper and shame
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize