its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
