Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
