the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
