I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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