My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
