A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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