I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
