***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
