The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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