Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
