Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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