I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
