Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
