we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
