I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
