I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
