You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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