Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
