I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
