glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
