dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
