I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
