I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
